You went to the Soiree (or browsed online). You bought the perfect sex toy for you. You know using toys adds:
- Keeps your sex life exciting
- Increases overall sexual satisfaction
But you’re never in the mood to use them.
This problem is all too common. We’re taught that sexual desire comes first and sex follows. That happens…sometimes. For some people. It’s called “spontaneous desire”, and it’s more common in people with penises.
However, there’s another type of sexual desire out there. It’s more common among people with vulvas. Most importantly, it’s completely healthy, normal, and natural.
Introducing: Responsive Desire
Responsive desire is when you get in the mood after sexy things start to happen.
So maybe sex is great once you get into it but it’s the getting into it that’s tough for you. Or perhaps you find that you want sex more after watching a sexy TV show or movie or reading erotica.
If so – you’ve experienced responsive sexual desire! There’s nothing wrong with you, you just have to shift the way you think about sex.
How to Have Great Sex With Responsive Desire
Again – responsive sexual desire is normal and healthy. It’s not what you see in the media but it’s extremely common. And dealing with it requires you to simply shift the way you think about and approach sex. Quite simply:
Start before you’re ready.
This is a common trope in the business world but it’s so useful for sexy time too! Before I go into this more, there’s a very important distinction you need to know:
Starting before you’re ready is NOT the same as having sex when you don’t want to.
It’s for those nights when you aren’t really a “YES” but you aren’t a “NO” either.
Starting before you’re ready looks different for each person. Here’s a few ideas to get you started:
- Put sexy panties on under your regular clothes
- Add a dab of arousal oil to your clitoris when you get out of the shower
- Read a romance novel, blogs about sex, or other erotic fiction on your commute and/or lunch break
- Flirt and sext your partner throughout the day
- Listen to sexy music on your way home or turn it on when you get home
- Give your partner an extra long kiss when you see each other in the evening
- Have sex before dinner
- Get or give a massage (don’t forget some massage oil)
- Watch porn (solo or together)
- Get or give a genital (vulva or penis) massage
- Receive or give oral sex
- Practice role play
- Share your sexual fantasies
- Explore sensation play or other BDSM practices
You May Have One “Magic” Key or 10
As you read the list above, what sounded fun to you? Which ideas excited you? Which are off-limits?
For some people with vulvas, there is one practically guaranteed turn-on that will get their sexual desire going. Other people have a variety. Most people find their turn-ons (and turn-offs) change over time.
This is all normal. And one more reason to regularly explore and experiment with what turns you on and what brings you to orgasm.
Want to learn even more ways to get in the mood? Book a Foreplay 101 Workshop today.
Written by Kait Scalisi, MPH, Director of Education and Training, My Secret Luxury